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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex,
by Les Dawson

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex,
she objects.
- Les Dawson

I used to sell furniture for a living.
The trouble was, it was my own.
- Les Dawson

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.
- Les Dawson

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay;
the mice throw themselves on the traps.
- Les Dawson

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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.
My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No,
six should be enough.'
- Les Dawson

We must respect the other fellow's religion,
but only in the sense and to the extent
that we respect his theory that
his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
- H. L. Mencken

A son is a son till he takes him a wife,
a daughter is a daughter all of her life.
- Irish Traditional

 

Choose a friend as thou dost a wife,
till death separate you.
- William Penn

Never in any case say I have lost such a thing, but I have returned it.
Is your child dead? It is a return. Is your wife dead? It is a return.
Are you deprived of your estate? Is not this also a return?
- Epictetus

A man cannot speak to his son, but as a father;
to his wife, but as a husband;
to his enemy, but upon terms:
whereas a friend may speak, as the case requires,
and not as it sorteth with the person.
- Francis Bacon

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children
is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia:
it seemed like a good idea at the time.
- Bill Cosby

By all means marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher
and that is a good thing for any man.
- Socrates

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage:
the wife is in charge.
- Bill Cosby

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
- E. Joseph Cossman

You shall not covet your neighbor's house;
you shall not covet your neighbor's wife,
nor his male servant, nor his female servant,
nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.
- Exodus 20:17

When you are alone you are not alone,
you are simply lonely -
and there is a tremendous difference
between loneliness and aloneness.
When you are lonely you are thinking of the other,
you are missing the other.
Loneliness is a negative state.
You are feeling that it would have been
better if the other were there -
your friend, your wife, your mother,
your beloved, your husband.
It would have been good if the other
were there, but the other is not.
Loneliness is absence of the other.
Aloneness is the presence of oneself.
Aloneness is very positive.
It is a presence, overflowing presence.
You are so full of presence
that you can fill the whole universe
with your presence and there is no need for anybody.
- Osho

I don't think my wife likes me very much,
when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
- Frank Carson

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.
First, let her think she's having her own way.
And second, let her have it.
- Lyndon B. Johnson

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
- Michel de Montaigne

A man's home is his wife's castle.
- Alexander Chase

Basically my wife was immature.
I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
- Woody Allen

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

Let the wife make the husband glad to come home,
and let him make her sorry to see him leave.
- Martin Luther

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
- Joey Adams

Hubert Humphrey talks so fast that listening to him
is like trying to read Playboy magazine with your wife turning the pages.
- Barry Goldwater

Caesar might have married Cleopatra,
but he had a wife at home.
There's always something.
- Will Cuppy

The true index of a man's character is the health of his wife.
- Cyril Connolly

A woman must combine the role of mother,
wife and politician.
- Emma Bonino

My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.
- Anonymous

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife
an electric skillet for her birthday.
- Erma Bombeck

No man succeeds without a good woman behind him.
Wife or mother, if it is both, he is twice blessed indeed.
- Harold MacMillan

The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.
- David Ogilvy

When a man opens a car door for his wife,
it's either a new car or a new wife.
- Prince Philip

I'm a fun father, but not a good father.
The hard decisions always went to my wife.
- John Lithgow

There's nothing like a good cheating song to make me
want to run home to be with my wife.
- Steven Curtis Chapman

The comfortable estate of widowhood is the only hope
that keeps up a wife's spirits.
- John Gay

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase

One man's folly is another man's wife.
- Helen Rowland

An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but
tries to be just as charming as if she weren't.
- Sacha Guitry

There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when
two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife,
confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.
- Homer

A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill

He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher...
or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.
- Douglas Adams

My advice to you is get married:
if you find a good wife you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I haven't spoken to my wife in years.
I didn't want to interrupt her.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I have so much fun when we travel and find anything...
like stray cats and squirrels.
- Eric Roberts

He that loves not his wife and children feeds a lioness at home,
and broods a nest of sorrows.
- Jeremy Taylor

The man in our society is the breadwinner;
the woman has enough to do as the homemaker,
wife and mother.
- Dorothy Fields

Don't forget Mother's Day.
Or as they call it in Beverly Hills,
Dad's Third Wife Day.
- Jay Leno

Medicine is my lawful wife and literature my mistress;
when I get tired of one,
I spend the night with the other.
- Anton Chekhov

I'm not a real movie star.
I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
- Will Rogers

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years
to have breakfast together,
but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.
- Winston Churchill

I have often wanted to drown my troubles,
but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- Anonymous

If I had no family, my wife and I would lead a much
more romantic and nomadic existence.
- David McCallum

The woman is uniformly sacrificed to the wife and mother.
- Elizabeth Cady Stanton

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- Lana Turner

A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.
- James H. Boren

It's tough to stay married.
My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
- Rodney Dangerfield

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her.
- Sacha Guitry

I got up with my wife, I sat down at the computer when she went to work,
and I didn't stop until she got home.
- George Stephen

There's just me and my wife and a dog and we feed him Healthy Choice also.
- Mike Ditka

Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

Do real life people actually fall in love
with the idea of being in love?
Unfortunately, it is actually quite common.
Someone wants desperately to have
the husband or wife of their dreams.
They visualize the vine-covered cottage
with the white picket fence.
They choose the colors for the nursery.
They design all the aspects of their married life.
A real person stands no chance of measuring up to those fantasies.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife;
she has thought much worse things about you.
- Jean Rostand

The man who loves other countries as much as his own
stands on a level with the man who loves other women
as much as he loves his own wife.
- Theodore Roosevelt

And I'm as attached to my wife as anybody can be to another human being.
- Eric Roberts

A young bride is like a plucked flower;
but a guilty wife is like a flower that had been walked over.
- Honore de Balzac

The ultimate end of your education was to make you a good wife.
- Mary Wortley Montagu

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous.
The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Anyone with a grain of sense would know that if I punched
my wife I would rip her head off.
It's all lies.
I have never laid a finger on her.
- Mike Tyson

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
- Woody Allen


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